New Hope

A few weeks after we lost our sweet baby girl, Anna,our adoption attorney told us she had received a call from someone who maybe interested in us as adoptive parents for her child.  We struggled with what to do but knew we just weren't ready yet.  As hard as it was we had to pass.  We worried that we may not get this opportunity again anytime soon but felt that it would not be fair to the baby, to the birth family, to Anna or to us to move forward with a new situation right then.  We missed Anna so much we did not want another baby.  We wanted her, we still do but now feel we might have room in our home and our heart for a third baby.  

We feel ready to try again.  We will  trust in God's grace and timing.  This doesn't mean that the pain of losing Anna is gone.  It is still there and I believe always will be.  I must admit somehow I feel a pang of guilt at even the idea of adding another child to our family.  Anna is a part of our family and there is no other baby who can replace her.  I will love her for the rest of my life and look forward to being reunited with her in the next life. We had talked about having three children and now I think that may just happen.  I do believe that three might be the right number for us.   I have always liked the number three.  It reminds me of the trinity, Father, Son and Holy Ghost and both my husband I were born on the third of the month.  Three is a good number. I have no idea what will happen or when but I once again have a seed of hope in my heart. 

Oasis of Fun, Hope and Laughter

It was my son's birthday party, the day I had been dreading.  I just didn't feel up to it and it had been hard to think about celebrating since the loss of my sweet baby girl.  This party was a labor of love for my son who is a text-book extrovert and loves a party.  The party was a bit late but I was bound and determined to have it for him.  So I did, I just wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. 

I went into the event feeling a bit nervous, I am not a great entertainer,  I was a bit overwhelmed despite the fact I had it at one of those places where they do most of the work for you.  I knew I would be seeing people I had not seen since the birth and which meant talking about our loss. 

Thank God for the kids.  16 of them running around having fun and wearing party hats.  They created such fun and festivities that I was swept up in it all and actually enjoyed myself.  I laughed, talked, enjoyed watching the kids and my son's delight at all the attention and my husband I even discussed getting together with some of the people we saw there.  I felt happy and somewhat normal.  Life is still there.  I am so glad I had the party.  Thank God for the healing power of good friends and kids with sticky fingers, wearing party hats and batting around balloons.  They grabbed me out of my sorrow even if it was just for an afternoon.  This oasis of fun and laughter is a guide post telling me that joy is still there.  This gives me hope and renews my desire to move forward in learning to live with my loss in a way that will let me fully participate in life....the happy as well as the sad part of it