Misery Needs Company

Today I am simply mad.  Everything irritates me.  I am the one who is out of sync with life.  I am the one lost in my grief and unable to see the world  with all of the good in it.  All I can feel right now is my loss of the watching my sweet daughter grow up.  I feel so awful.  I know that I need to reach out and find others who understand this swirl of sadness and anger that is currently my life.  Where are they.  I went to a mom's group this morning and was surrounded by wonderful women and felt completely and totally alone.  They understand the struggles of motherhood and tending to small children but I don't believe they understand the pain of having one of those precious little ones gone, no longer needing care and feeding.  Thank God that they don't have to know this pain.

In my mind I rail against the sense of being different, being one of those people bad things happen to.  I look for the exit door from this personal hell and can't find it.  People tell me that this is something I will learn to live with and not necessarily "get over" which just fuels my anger and sorrow.  I do not look forward to living my life with the heaviness of this sadness.   I just don't know how to do that.  I pray to God for peace.  I know he is there but I am less sure that I was before that payers work.  When someone dies does that mean that a prayer has not been said right or does God just allow what will be to happen in which case why bother asking him for anything?  I guess I am mad at God.  It feels like a sin but in my heart of hearts that is what I feel.  This leaves me feeling more alone than ever.  Perhaps I am weak that my faith can be shaken or perhaps I am just human.  I prefer to think the later, but I am not really sure.

I will continue marching forward hoping for some relief and peace.  I have yet to find it but will search for it again today and again tomorrow.  I do believe God and life is generally good and that my family deserves a joyful wife and mother.  Hopefully I will find a way to give that to them and to myself.