Searching for the Light

I have very purposely constructed a life that revolves around being a mom.  I volunteer in my son's classroom belong to mom type organizations and attend playgroups.  I left my job which kept me away from son way too much to spend more time with him but now I am not sure this new life of mine fits.  When I lost my daughter at birth things changed.  Some of those little things that brought joy now bring pangs of pain.  It is hard to see all the new babies and to realize that my precious daughter will not be going to the infants playgroup and that she will not need the clothes the bigger babies have outgrown.  

She is fine.  I believe she is safe in the arms of God but I am left here without her.  I miss her everyday.  My grief is new.  We lost her only 6 weeks ago.  My pain ebbs and flows.  Sometimes I can see joy and humor in life and other times I am enveloped in sadness or angry at the world.  I don't know if t his is normal or not, but whether it is or it isn't it is my world right now.  I am hoping to get to the other side of grief but the path is unclear and I feel more lost than ever before.

I keep going, putting one foot in front of the other and doing all the things I feel I should.  Rarely are the things I do "want tos"  they are really "should dos".  I am hoping that by continuing to participate in my life I will at some point start to feel some sense of normalcy but I must admit it drains every once of energy out of me that I have.  I bow out of most of the girls night outs.   I fall into bed after my son's bath and prayers.  I am exhausted from living my life on edge.  I hope this will end soon.  I have never suffered from this type of grief, so I don't really know.  All I can do is hope.

I am waiting for a call back from the social worker at the hospital with information on infant loss support groups.  I hope I can find one that feels right.  I also am trying to figure out how to add some non-mom things to my life.  I have a need to interact with other women in a way that is not based on kids.  I though about joining a book club but I am not sure I am up to reading an entire book right now.  I quite frankly am not really sure how to go about this.  I will have to add this to my prayer requests.  Hopefully God will show me the way.   I am desperately trying to find the path forward but I am still lost in the dark.  I know the light is out there.  I hope to find it soon.  For any one else out there looking for a way through the grief, know you have my prayers and that I pray for light in your life again too.

God bless.